Contemporary Difficulties in Marriage
The marital
union in our time exists under unfavorable conditions. Some fifty years ago
divorce was a rare occurrence; today divorces are an epidemic. The American
Academy of Marriage Lawyers (ABA Journal, February 1, 1988) conducted a survey
on the causes of divorce and established that the main ones among them are: 1)
lack of communication between spouses, 2) gradual divergence of interests, 3)
sexual problems and breach of marital faithfulness, 4) financial difficulties,
and 5) lack of mutual understanding.
These reasons and others, less
significant in essence, come down to the fact that a husband and wife lose
their spiritual contact over time as each one begins to lock himself into the
sphere of his own personal interests. From this, one may deduce that spouses,
in order to strengthen their marital union, need to establish and maintain
their spiritual contact. Of course, this is more easily achieved when both of
them belong to the same faith, but with good will, it is achievable even when
they are not.
The roots of spiritual contact
between spouses are formed in the Sacrament of Marriage. It is then that a
spiritual candle is lit in their hearts. Husband and wife must carefully guard
the grace they have received during the Sacrament. For this purpose it is
necessary for them to devote some time for a joint spiritual life:when
feasible, to pray together daily (“A
family which prays together, stays together.” — So states a proverb); to regularly
go to Church together and participate in the Sacrament of Holy Communion; to
read the Holy Bible together; and to discuss spiritual topics. Reading God's
Word together will help the spouses resolve, in a Christian spirit, unavoidable
problems of life — in a spirit of love, humility, gentleness, forgiveness,
leniency, patience and acquiescence.
Furthermore, to maintain
spiritual contact a husband and wife must talk with each other frankly and
share their difficulties and desires. They must help one another as much as
they can and be concerned about each other. They must respect the opinions, tastes
and habits of each other. Joint life always requires concessions and compromises.
Under no circumstances should
there be crudeness, use of force or insults. Often in marital relations the
unbridled tongue becomes a great evil when in the heat of anger a man and a
woman lash out at one another with all kinds of insults. Scars from these
verbal wounds last a long time. An ancient holy book gives the following
meaning to the word:“An insult is sharp
as a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” (Proverbs 12:18
When anger is aroused, it is best to be silent for awhile and calm down (“take
and hold a mouthful of water”) and then later, having prayed, to say in a well
intentioned tone that which may be helpful. The tirade of accusations and
lecturing is best replaced by two mighty words — “Forgive me!” which, by the way, are very difficult to utter. In
general, it must be said that the family environment is one in which a person
learns virtuous living. This is exactly how a man and woman should view their
marriage, as a school for Christian living. This school is not always easy.
A contemporary book dedicated to
marital problems gives the following advice for a happy marriage: 1) Never be
angry at the same time; 2) Never yell at each other (unless the house is on
fire); 3) If one of you has to win an argument, let it be your mate; 4) If you
have to criticize, do it lovingly; 5) Never bring up mistakes of the past; 6)
Never go to sleep with an unsettled argument; 7) At least once every day try to
say one kind or complimentary thing to your life's partner; 8) When you have
done something wrong, be ready to admit it and ask for forgiveness; and 9) It
takes two to make a quarrel, and the one in the wrong is the one who does the
most talking.
In essence, these and other
similar admonitions rephrase that which our Christian faith teaches. Therefore,
if both spouses will try to become better Christians, all disagreements will be
dissolved, and mutual understanding and love between husband and wife will
grow.
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